1) Alarm clocks have snooze buttons. Air horns do not. Try waking the kids with a terrifyingly loud blast from an air horn or similar distress device. Their hearts will be racing too fast to fall back asleep.
2) If you need to take the children out of the house, fasten GPS bracelets to their wrists so that you can track their every move. A pair of binoculars also comes in handy when keeping an eye on the troops.
3) Try giving the children code names, like Red Leader or Red Baby. This will make it easier to identify them, especially over a two-way radio.
4) Keep extra diapers with you at all times. Babies are poo factories that operate 24 hours a day with no shame. You never know where you’ll be when the baby needs changing.
5) Getting the little ones to take a bath can be difficult. Try explaining to them in disturbing detail the effects of germs and disease on the human body. Use medical pictures if necessary.
6) Candy is the perfect bribe. Promise them chocolate or other sweets in exchange for good behavior.
7) Install a high-tech security system in every room of the house, complete with fingerprint identification and motion-activated surveillance cameras. The looming presence of Big Brother will deter the little ones from getting into mischief.
Nothing makes a child sleepier than 100 push-ups. When the kids just won’t seem to go to bed, lead them in a rigorous 20-minute workout.
9) If the children want to watch television, make sure it’s educational. There are several fine documentaries available to rent at your local video store.
10) Story time is a fun way to keep the little ones occupied for a few hours. You can read them their favorite children’s book or choose to tell a story of your own. I like to tell about the time I directed a rescue mission in Serbia.
